We hold these truths to be self evident;

I've had to reach deeper than I thought I ever would.


My patience has worn so thin that it has become sheer, and every wall of protection has been shattered into pieces around me. The past few months have been an emotional hell that has still left me battered and bruised. Each day is a new challenge, a worrisome guess. I stressed, I panicked, I hid, I screamed, I cried, I became ill...

There's not really any other way to conceivably deal with it other than to let your body react how it wants. But, I didn't want to shut down again. I had to make sure my mind didn't resort to those measures, no matter how bad things got. Sure, it was a great defense mechanism against any type of emotional overload- but the last time it happened, I awoke in a hospital room.

No, none of that again.

I almost slipped away several times. Before I dove too deep, I managed to recover the scrap of strength I had left to press on. So much pain, confusion, sadness, anger... Out of all of the hurt I've been through- losing loved ones, being betrayed by family, etc... this situation I had been centered in, was the hardest I've ever been in...

..in my entire life.
And that's saying a lot.


One thing I do thank God for is granting me my own therapy without even me knowing it.
The melodies bursting from my fingertips or the trails of color left behind my brush used to dull the pain. But I think I have let it become something more.

The last few pieces I've painted... I barely remember the act of painting them. I've never given so much passion to something so insignificant.

It wasn't work. It wasn't hard. There was no thought. There was no effort.

It felt natural and right.


The brush moved, the easel stood firm, and my mind shifted into a place it hadn't been in years.
Everything worthy of pain dissipated. I felt strong, I felt invincible, I felt empowered, and I felt inspired.

Inspired.

That was something I thought I had lost a while ago. It's so good to even think the word.


In conclusion, I am continuing to embrace using these creative outbursts as a sort of self-healing therapy. Let's hope it works.

<3
MAB