It has been months since I have even glanced at this site.. So much has changed, so many progressions have occurred. I have finished school. I am painting steadily. I have recorded new piano work. I am in a new relationship. I have become closer than ever with a select few people, and I treasure their friendship more than any friendships I've ever possessed.
I suppose where I am at is happiness; though life has it's daily struggles I am content with where I am at. I want to advance in several areas [better job, move out, new car, continue with my book, etc.] and I plan to do most if not all of those things by the end of 2010. I can't believe I will be turning 24, I recall my 16th birthday as if it were days ago. I feel as if I am still so very youthful inside, still excited at the sight of a creature I can capture if only for a few seconds to examine it. And at other times I feel so much older than I really am. The wear and tear of some of the more traumatic events that have happened in my life, I fear has taken their toll. Even though I attempt to avoid being negative, it's hard to be chipper 24/7.
I still have nightmares about Grandpas accident. It's difficult to deal with that. It's scary to know I have one Grandparent left... and I constantly worry for my mother's health as well. [If she doesn't stop falling down those damn stairs, I'm not sure what she's going to do. Can't accomplish much with broken limbs.]
There will be more to say later. For now, this is all.
MAB
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Sunday, December 13, 2009
We hold these truths to be self evident;
I've had to reach deeper than I thought I ever would.
My patience has worn so thin that it has become sheer, and every wall of protection has been shattered into pieces around me. The past few months have been an emotional hell that has still left me battered and bruised. Each day is a new challenge, a worrisome guess. I stressed, I panicked, I hid, I screamed, I cried, I became ill...
There's not really any other way to conceivably deal with it other than to let your body react how it wants. But, I didn't want to shut down again. I had to make sure my mind didn't resort to those measures, no matter how bad things got. Sure, it was a great defense mechanism against any type of emotional overload- but the last time it happened, I awoke in a hospital room.
No, none of that again.
I almost slipped away several times. Before I dove too deep, I managed to recover the scrap of strength I had left to press on. So much pain, confusion, sadness, anger... Out of all of the hurt I've been through- losing loved ones, being betrayed by family, etc... this situation I had been centered in, was the hardest I've ever been in...
..in my entire life.
And that's saying a lot.
One thing I do thank God for is granting me my own therapy without even me knowing it.
The melodies bursting from my fingertips or the trails of color left behind my brush used to dull the pain. But I think I have let it become something more.
The last few pieces I've painted... I barely remember the act of painting them. I've never given so much passion to something so insignificant.
It wasn't work. It wasn't hard. There was no thought. There was no effort.
It felt natural and right.
The brush moved, the easel stood firm, and my mind shifted into a place it hadn't been in years.
Everything worthy of pain dissipated. I felt strong, I felt invincible, I felt empowered, and I felt inspired.
Inspired.
That was something I thought I had lost a while ago. It's so good to even think the word.
In conclusion, I am continuing to embrace using these creative outbursts as a sort of self-healing therapy. Let's hope it works.
<3
MAB
My patience has worn so thin that it has become sheer, and every wall of protection has been shattered into pieces around me. The past few months have been an emotional hell that has still left me battered and bruised. Each day is a new challenge, a worrisome guess. I stressed, I panicked, I hid, I screamed, I cried, I became ill...
There's not really any other way to conceivably deal with it other than to let your body react how it wants. But, I didn't want to shut down again. I had to make sure my mind didn't resort to those measures, no matter how bad things got. Sure, it was a great defense mechanism against any type of emotional overload- but the last time it happened, I awoke in a hospital room.
No, none of that again.
I almost slipped away several times. Before I dove too deep, I managed to recover the scrap of strength I had left to press on. So much pain, confusion, sadness, anger... Out of all of the hurt I've been through- losing loved ones, being betrayed by family, etc... this situation I had been centered in, was the hardest I've ever been in...
..in my entire life.
And that's saying a lot.
One thing I do thank God for is granting me my own therapy without even me knowing it.
The melodies bursting from my fingertips or the trails of color left behind my brush used to dull the pain. But I think I have let it become something more.
The last few pieces I've painted... I barely remember the act of painting them. I've never given so much passion to something so insignificant.
It wasn't work. It wasn't hard. There was no thought. There was no effort.
It felt natural and right.
The brush moved, the easel stood firm, and my mind shifted into a place it hadn't been in years.
Everything worthy of pain dissipated. I felt strong, I felt invincible, I felt empowered, and I felt inspired.
Inspired.
That was something I thought I had lost a while ago. It's so good to even think the word.
In conclusion, I am continuing to embrace using these creative outbursts as a sort of self-healing therapy. Let's hope it works.
<3
MAB
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Circa March 06'
I don't remember writing it.
"i am a transient
stuck in a wall
of broken tomorrows
and yesterday's fall
a traveler of hope
and receiver of greif
a holder of hearts
with sadness beneath
a martyr of feeling
i fall to my knees
in sake of the hurt
thats torturing me
apathetically peaceful
i lie here in bed
on a tear stained pillow
i rest my head
and dream of tomorrow
that wont fufill
the wants and needs
that i have still
the want to be stable
the need to be free
the hope to be hopeful
and the strength to be me
i hold my head high
and try to move on
i ball up my fists
and try to stay strong
tears well up inside
but i dont let them go
i mask them with smiles
so that they wont flow
confusingly simple
is the road i trudge
a paradox of paths
that hold a grudge
against my treads
and my weary ways
my nights are numbered
and so are my days
i squint in the sunlight
and stare at the moon
and hope that the sun
doesn't rise too soon
in starlight i walk
on the trodden trail
in which i make circles
im chasing my tail
confusingly simple
a transient, I
i swear i wont quit.
I wont quit till i die.
By: Meagan Andrea Brown"
"i am a transient
stuck in a wall
of broken tomorrows
and yesterday's fall
a traveler of hope
and receiver of greif
a holder of hearts
with sadness beneath
a martyr of feeling
i fall to my knees
in sake of the hurt
thats torturing me
apathetically peaceful
i lie here in bed
on a tear stained pillow
i rest my head
and dream of tomorrow
that wont fufill
the wants and needs
that i have still
the want to be stable
the need to be free
the hope to be hopeful
and the strength to be me
i hold my head high
and try to move on
i ball up my fists
and try to stay strong
tears well up inside
but i dont let them go
i mask them with smiles
so that they wont flow
confusingly simple
is the road i trudge
a paradox of paths
that hold a grudge
against my treads
and my weary ways
my nights are numbered
and so are my days
i squint in the sunlight
and stare at the moon
and hope that the sun
doesn't rise too soon
in starlight i walk
on the trodden trail
in which i make circles
im chasing my tail
confusingly simple
a transient, I
i swear i wont quit.
I wont quit till i die.
By: Meagan Andrea Brown"
Monday, January 12, 2009
If there was a way I could make you see.
So I've started writing... again. The first project I started was beginning to get utterly stagnant. I wouldn't call it writers block; I know the direction I want to take the story, but I am wanting to write something more, adventurous? So I'm on Chapter 2 of my new project. I'm hoping I can keep up the pace I'm at with it now.
I mapped out my plot last night, this book will probably be more interesting to people my age and a bit younger. A little drama, a little suspense, a little romance, and lots of action. I am excited to start hitting the action parts. It's a plot I've been thinking about since middle school, and I've written a lot of short stories about it. Just never the fiction novel I've wanted to start.
I think I've started it because lately, for some reason, I've become more conscious of time, and the lack of it. Sometimes things creep by so slow, but lately, it's flown. I feel like if I don't take advantage of the time I have I may never get to writing it. Even if I spend the money to get it published and it doesn't even sell one copy... I don't care. I did it, and one of my dreams will be crossed off of the list.
I'm on the 3rd book of the Twilight saga, "Eclipse". I bought it and Breaking Dawn at Barnes and Noble yesterday... a staggering 41 dollars from my Christmas money. But the paperbacks aren't out yet; I had to make the sacrifice. Stephenie Meyer is quickly becoming an admired writer in my sight, and she's inspired me to get my story written. Her style is very similar to mine, I love her descriptiveness.
Wish me luck.
I mapped out my plot last night, this book will probably be more interesting to people my age and a bit younger. A little drama, a little suspense, a little romance, and lots of action. I am excited to start hitting the action parts. It's a plot I've been thinking about since middle school, and I've written a lot of short stories about it. Just never the fiction novel I've wanted to start.
I think I've started it because lately, for some reason, I've become more conscious of time, and the lack of it. Sometimes things creep by so slow, but lately, it's flown. I feel like if I don't take advantage of the time I have I may never get to writing it. Even if I spend the money to get it published and it doesn't even sell one copy... I don't care. I did it, and one of my dreams will be crossed off of the list.
I'm on the 3rd book of the Twilight saga, "Eclipse". I bought it and Breaking Dawn at Barnes and Noble yesterday... a staggering 41 dollars from my Christmas money. But the paperbacks aren't out yet; I had to make the sacrifice. Stephenie Meyer is quickly becoming an admired writer in my sight, and she's inspired me to get my story written. Her style is very similar to mine, I love her descriptiveness.
Wish me luck.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Well, first things first.
Opendiary hold a few of my thoughts, which is ok with me, but Myspace is growing tiresome when it comes to sharing my opinions with the masses. Only to be judged there by whiny 16 year olds and stalkers, I think it would be a good idea to write about things with actual meaning, on an actual blog.
So here's what you need to know.
I'm musical; bass, piano, guitar, singing- it all pumps through these veins. A rock band i was once in [RIP] won battle of the bands in 2006 [I weilding the bass guitar, also a bright blonde skunk streak in my brown hair.] I belly dance too, it takes me away to another place and time; far away from here. Anything with a good rhythm and catchy chords nabs my attention. I get lost in tribal drum beats and flowing melodies that my body can flow to.
I love to paint, acrylics and canvas can keep me entertained for hours. Anything artsy and creative is something I want to be involved with. I also like to write short stories and I've started on my first novel.
I love nature and the outdoors. I can honestly say I like animals more than people. My heart is firmly set in the forest. My brother and I grew up trapsing around the woods of edgefield practically our whole lives. Not in the redneck "I'm gonna shoot me a deer" way, but in a more respectful, explorative way. I love to discover new things about the outside world. There is nothing more beautiful than a powerful mountaintop, nothing more graceful than a soaring bird, and nothing more peaceful than a ebbing tide. I've visited the ocean and the mountains multiple times and every time it takes my breath away. Eventually I want to visit the rain forests of Brazil. It hurts to know how bad we are taking advantage of the beauty around us and how horrible we treat the creatures that deserve so much more.
I own many cats, 2 birds, and feesh. They give me comfort and companionship when it seems everyone else in this world has turned cold. A whiskery nuzzle makes all of my worries disappear in a heartbeat. They love unconditionally, no matter what mistakes you make. I will never understand why some people mistreat such beautiful beings.
I am a friendly person, but It's hard to find people who see eye to eye with me 100% of the time.
I can forgive but I don't forget, simply because I won't let it happen twice by the same person.
I love my family even though they've hurt me more than anyone else ever has; it's been hard but as I've gotten older my patience has grown with them. I haven't seen my dad since I was 12, and I was closer with him than anyone else. The hardest thing has been to lose my hero, help raise a brother, and try to keep my mother from going insane without losing myself in the process. I miss him and think about him every day, and often wonder if I will ever see him again. The disorder I inherited from him is the same one that damned our family over 10 years ago.
My lil brother [who is 5 years younger than me] is kickass. I love hanging out with him, him and Nick are the only two that can make me laugh with just a simple stare. I trust him with my life and I couldn't have asked for a better sibling.
I'm in Cosmetology school, and I also do hair and makeup for photo shoots. My path doesn't stop there. I want to continue with music and writing, and eventually publish a novel, following my Aunt's footsteps. She recently published a novel entitled "Cotton in Augusta", a true story about my great grandmother. Check it out.
I'm a big kid. I own a pink DS lite and even a Tamagotchi. He's kinda chillin on pause at the moment, but I've been playing the DS almost daily. I strongly suggest everyone getting one. They're great. Wii's are also pretty damn awesome. Animal Crossing=<3 class="text">
I'm ready for something better than this town. I want to spend a few years on the coastline but eventually live out my days in the mountaintops, all with the boy that has taken my heart by storm and refuses to give it back. I like it that way and I trust it will stay that way.
More will come later.
So here's what you need to know.
I'm musical; bass, piano, guitar, singing- it all pumps through these veins. A rock band i was once in [RIP] won battle of the bands in 2006 [I weilding the bass guitar, also a bright blonde skunk streak in my brown hair.] I belly dance too, it takes me away to another place and time; far away from here. Anything with a good rhythm and catchy chords nabs my attention. I get lost in tribal drum beats and flowing melodies that my body can flow to.
I love to paint, acrylics and canvas can keep me entertained for hours. Anything artsy and creative is something I want to be involved with. I also like to write short stories and I've started on my first novel.
I love nature and the outdoors. I can honestly say I like animals more than people. My heart is firmly set in the forest. My brother and I grew up trapsing around the woods of edgefield practically our whole lives. Not in the redneck "I'm gonna shoot me a deer" way, but in a more respectful, explorative way. I love to discover new things about the outside world. There is nothing more beautiful than a powerful mountaintop, nothing more graceful than a soaring bird, and nothing more peaceful than a ebbing tide. I've visited the ocean and the mountains multiple times and every time it takes my breath away. Eventually I want to visit the rain forests of Brazil. It hurts to know how bad we are taking advantage of the beauty around us and how horrible we treat the creatures that deserve so much more.
I own many cats, 2 birds, and feesh. They give me comfort and companionship when it seems everyone else in this world has turned cold. A whiskery nuzzle makes all of my worries disappear in a heartbeat. They love unconditionally, no matter what mistakes you make. I will never understand why some people mistreat such beautiful beings.
I am a friendly person, but It's hard to find people who see eye to eye with me 100% of the time.
I can forgive but I don't forget, simply because I won't let it happen twice by the same person.
I love my family even though they've hurt me more than anyone else ever has; it's been hard but as I've gotten older my patience has grown with them. I haven't seen my dad since I was 12, and I was closer with him than anyone else. The hardest thing has been to lose my hero, help raise a brother, and try to keep my mother from going insane without losing myself in the process. I miss him and think about him every day, and often wonder if I will ever see him again. The disorder I inherited from him is the same one that damned our family over 10 years ago.
My lil brother [who is 5 years younger than me] is kickass. I love hanging out with him, him and Nick are the only two that can make me laugh with just a simple stare. I trust him with my life and I couldn't have asked for a better sibling.
I'm in Cosmetology school, and I also do hair and makeup for photo shoots. My path doesn't stop there. I want to continue with music and writing, and eventually publish a novel, following my Aunt's footsteps. She recently published a novel entitled "Cotton in Augusta", a true story about my great grandmother. Check it out.
I'm a big kid. I own a pink DS lite and even a Tamagotchi. He's kinda chillin on pause at the moment, but I've been playing the DS almost daily. I strongly suggest everyone getting one. They're great. Wii's are also pretty damn awesome. Animal Crossing=<3 class="text">
I'm ready for something better than this town. I want to spend a few years on the coastline but eventually live out my days in the mountaintops, all with the boy that has taken my heart by storm and refuses to give it back. I like it that way and I trust it will stay that way.
More will come later.
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